Can You Spot A Dangerous Man?

I know, you’re thinking, “what does this have to do with a health blog?”  Actually, relationships have a direct impact on our health and we need to choose our partners and interactions wisely.  Here’s an interesting thought.

“We are the average of the five people we spend the most time with.”


Whether it be family, friends, co-workers, or intimate partners we are either uplifted or depleted by these interactions.

Positive social support can actually increase the T-cells in our immune system (look at cancer survivors who join support groups), while negative relationships can have the opposite effect.  When you surround yourself with healthy people you are more likely to stay physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually healthy.

The recent abuse allegations Chris Brown is facing towards his girlfriend Rihanna, have captured my attention.  While all types of dysfunction can occur in all types of relationships, this case (and this blog post) is specific to the intimate dysfunctional relationships between men and women.

I’m not a psychologist, I’m not anti-men, and I obviously don’t know Chris and Rihanna personally.  However, I do know that physical violence is not the only “red flag” in an unhealthy relationship.

The knee-jerk response (even for married women) is to say, “I will never be involved in an abusive relationship.”  But there are insidious layers to abuse, oppression, and dysfunction. Denial comes on quickly.  In the name of “Healthy Emotional Awareness” I wanted to print:
dangerous-man

8 Types Of  Men Women Should Not Become Intimate With – by Sandra Brown M.A.

  1. The Permanent Clinger – He fears rejection above all else, so he is jealous of other people in your life.  He will try to convince you that he has been wounded and that only you can “heal him with your love.”  If you don’t do as he asks, he may use guilt and want you to give up your outside life and make your world revolve around him.
  2. The Parental Seeker – He needs a parent not a partner.  He has a difficult time doing adult things like working, completing chores, making decisions, being consistent, or paying his bills.  He gives you a lot of attention, but he will function very poorly in the real world.
  3. The Emotionally Unavailable Man – He is married, separated, engaged.  He usually presents himself as “currently unhappy with” or “not quite out of” a relationship, but he is willing to have you on the side. With the emotionally unavailable man, there is always a reason why he can’t fully commit to you, but he’s happy to keep stringing you along.
  4. The Man With The Hidden Life – He has undisclosed other lives that might include women, same-sex partners, children, jobs, wives, life-threatening addictions, criminal behavior, disease, or other histories that remain unrevealed.
  5. The Mentally Ill Man – He can look normal on the outside, but after you’ve been together for awhile it becomes obvious that “something is amiss.”  Most women lack the training to know exactly what is wrong, but depending on his diagnosis he may able to convince you to stay.  He may hold you emotionally hostage by telling you that “everyone” leaves him, or by threatening self-harm if you leave.
  6. The Addict- Addictions can include sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill-seeking behaviors, gambling, or food.  Many women don’t recognize up front that he has an addiction, or they mistake him for being a “fun-loving guy” who just wants to party.
  7. The Abusive Or Violent Man – He starts out as very attentive and giving.  But then Mr. Hyde appears – controlling, blaming, shaming, hitting.  Women who think abuse comes only in the form of a physical assault may miss warning signs of other kinds of abuse.  Abuse can be verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical or sexual.  Abusive and violent behavior always gets worse over time.
  8. The Emotional Predator – He has a sixth sense about when women are hurt, lonely or sexually needy.  Although his motives might be to prey on a women’s financial or sexual vulnerabilities (to name just a few), he’s called the “emotional” predator because he hunts for his victims by targeting their emotional vulnerabilities.  He is a chameleon and can turn himself into what she wants in the moment.

Brown says many dangerous men fall into more than one category.  For more information read How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved

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3 Comments

  1. My initial answer was, other than when I look in a mirror? But the issue is too serious for jokes. A favorite talk show psychologist of mine, Dr. Joy Browne tells a story of a woman patient of hers who is always complaining about meeting terrible men. Dr. Joy tells her, “it’s not meeting them that’s the problem, it’s that you gives them your phone number.” Perhaps your list will help some of us keep our number private.

  2. That’s a really good list and an important thing to watch out for. I’ve always said that if any guy dared to be physically abusive with me I’d leave him in a second, but it wasn’t until I started having problems in my last relationship and got out of it that I realized it had been quite an emotionally abusive relationship. I’ve always been so busy watching out for physical abuse that I had neglected to see all the warning signs of the emotional abuse until it started to get out of hand. As soon as I realized what was going on I got out and I am so much happier for it.

  3. Dr J – That’s a great quotable quote from Dr. Joy, well said!

    Sagan – Thanks for sharing a part of your story, I’m glad you moved on as well, it takes a lot of strength and courage.

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